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Workplace satire from Kevin Augustine: What You Really Say At Work - An Interpretation

April 21, 2006 from Raven's Brain: Project Management Humor

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• What you hear: I understand your point, but I think (x) is a better way to go.

  What I'm thinking: What the hell are you talking about? Do we work on the same project? Yeah, I guess we could go your way, but then I might as well start working on a way to fix it now.

• What you hear: Sure, we can push the deadline up.

  What I'm thinking: You heartless bastard. If I had known I was dealing with Satan, I would have brought my crucifix.

• What you hear: Yeah, I can analyze that for you and get you the results before the end of the day.

  What I'm thinking: I was thinking about skipping lunch anyways, so this just seals the deal. I'm going to go to the bathroom right now, because I won't be leaving my desk until sundown.

• What you hear: 5:00 is no problem, we can meet then.

  What I'm thinking: No, its ok, I had my jacket on because it's cold in here. You know what, I think I'll just sleep here since it'll take me about six hours to get home with the traffic I'm going to hit now. Oh, by the way, I just died a little bit inside.

• What you hear: This needs some serious revision.
  
  What I'm thinking: I'm firing you and hiring the monkeys back. I don't care how much it costs us in typewriters and cigarettes.

• What you hear: I'm not sure we're going to make our deadline.

  What I'm thinking: I haven't slept in three days. I think Jim is dead, but I haven't been able to leave my cubicle to check. It's all getting a bit fuzzy...flying monkeys would be awesome, I would definitely pay to see them...Did you say something?

• What you hear: Changed the requirements? It's ok; we can incorporate those changes into the design.

  What I'm thinking: Wow. Is it wrong to want to strangle someone with your bare hands? Maybe I'll wear gloves, less traceable, but I don't think I would get the same sense of accomplishment.

You can check out the complete post here: http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/04/18/113538.php. It contains a brief intro and a few more scenarios. I laughed my butt off because I've had to grin, while grinding my teeth, and say similar phrases, while thinking very similar things. The scary thing is - how did this guy get inside my head and steal my thoughts? Not that I think like this anymore - I'm a manager and you've, uhm, got to be all managerial and stuff, yeah - that's it. Not buying it? I'll try to redeem myself and put a positive spin on it, cause the post IS funny - You've got to have humor in both life and work or we'll all go crazy. Or maybe we have and the only people that "get it" are the ones talking to themselves.. But really - how could we tell the difference today? you see so many people with bluetooth (wireless) headsets these days just walking around, seeming to talk to themselves? Tsk Tsk I went on a tangent. Oh well, I digress - no - I ramble, therefore, I am!

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